Perfectionism and what we can do about it

How many of us experience the heart racing, sickening feeling of perfectionism staring us down? This read is an invitation to bring a soft gaze to the maddening pace of our inner critic and delve into its hidden message.

The official definition of perfectionism is “a refusal to accept any standard short of perfection”. But London School of Economics assistant professor and psychologist Thomas Curran, who published “The Perfection Trap: The Power of Good Enough in a World that Always Wants More”, believes this definition tells only half the story. He adds a profound backdrop for the never ending and often exhausting pursuit for better, defining the pursuit of excessively high standards is deeply fused with a deep and profound sense of self-criticism and self-loathing.

Brene Brown takes us on an even deeper dive, citing “Where perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the annoying backseat driver.” She states that we struggle with perfectionism in areas where we are vulnerable to shame. The mantra “If I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect, I can avoid or minimise criticism, blame and or ridicule” hits home in our current world views.

The rise of perfectionism has a strong link to the ever increasingly individualistic and materialistic messaging that is bombarding us; that we are not good enough and we need more to address our shortcomings. Is society’s heavy emphasis on social comparison, and the sorting, sifting and ranking that follows, benefitting us in any positive way?

Recent generations of young people are more demanding of themselves, perceive that others are more demanding of them, and are more demanding of others. The link between perfectionism and increased mental health issues such as depression and anxiety is also becoming increasingly well documented. Studies also show a direct link between perfectionism and our physical health. Unrelenting perfectionism feeds directly into a state of chronic stress and health factors such as heart disease, neurological pain, gut pain and physical tension, inflammation and pain. It sounds all too familiar doesn’t it?

On the other side of the coin, research is revealing there is no link between perfectionism and higher performance. So what exactly are we reaching for when perfection is an impossible goal? And how do we dial down our perfectionist barometer, step back from the messaging to find our middle ground?

•. Realise that perfectionism is not our best self but merely a defense mechanism to protect us from being hurt. Asking “What am I afraid of right now” may be a starting point in dismantling the perfectionism trap. Accepting that perfectionism has become a problem is the first step towards addressing who it impacts on our lives.

• Befriend imperfection - perfection largely emerges from a desire to not feel the weight of judgement. When facing an important exam, crucial deadline, or business pitch, a perfectionist can view each encounter as an opportunity to fail or fall short of the excessive standards and expectations we set up for ourselves. Softening our focus around the weight of impending failure can make space for the growth opportunities that arise when we give something a go and give it our best.

• Recognise and acknowledge your capabilities and what is realistically achievable can support setting appropriate goals. Champion the inner qualities of perseverance, flexibility and consistency to soften the harsh inner critic’s attack.

• Rediscover healthy striving - the balancing point between high performance and damaging overachievement. Healthy striving is internally focused “I want to do this to the best of my ability” whereas perfectionism is “what will people think of me.” Healthy Strivers can:

• Enjoy the process of growth regardless of the outcome, instead of singularly focusing on results. In some ways, growth is the quiet internal measure where we can celebrate what we are moving toward. Moving toward our best is immeasurable from the outside but perhaps a cherished moment on the inside.

• Set realistic goals for themselves where there is space to adjust and reflect when necessary.

• Admit they can’t “do it all” and delegate when necessary.

• Realise that minor setbacks and mistakes are part of being human, taking time to acknowledge them as learning moments, building resilience and a deeper sense of self-worth.

• Aim for 80% or good enough provides breathing space when we are spending too much time on the small details. Pausing here and evaluating can lessen procrastination.

• Try things outside the comfort zone to get used to the sense of discomfort that comes from doing things we’re not particularly good at. Curran says “You’ll find that actually it wasn’t as bad as you think it was going to be, most of the time. And that can feel like taking a sledgehammer to perfectionism.”

It’s important to remember that comparing ourselves to others is part of being human and is neurologically hardwired into us as a way to gage “are we safe” amongst our tribe. What we do with this comparison is what matters. Asking the question “is this comparison useful or helpful to me or is it feeding something unhelpful where I inherently feel less?” Taking the time to step back and evaluate can make a difference.

Lastly, remember that perfectionism is the shield that we carry around hoping that it will keep us from being hurt. But it actually keeps us from being seen. Put best effort in and realise that no one can contribute in the way that you do.