Navigating carer burnout from the invisible & constant role of mothering

Understand how your nervous system responds to queues of exhaustion at home. Considerations to offer pause, respite and self care.

There is a silent epidemic of burnout in Australia which is on the rise. The role of anticipating, quietly or rapidly defusing, meeting ever changing needs amongst wakeful nights, stretched days where multiple roles are juggling and jostling for attention. This is the role of mothering. It’s reported that three quarters of mothers and women carers are experiencing stress in the attempt to juggle work and family commitments.

Let’s take a moment to consider the invisible and constant role of mothering (and this applies to any primary carer).

For many, there is no off button; a 24 hour rotation of holding, witnessing, reading the temperature of any situation, mediating and soothing; and that’s just the interpersonal relationships. Add to this hours of unpaid labour in the prepping, feeding, cleaning, washing, rotating roster of jobs that never end. And then add work commitments which demand a different kind of attention, focus, detail and effort.

The very act of quietly and constantly scanning and being “on” can lead to chronic levels of stress. Your biology will do its best to manage the constant demands of being available without any roster to rest and reset. The impacts, however, will show up in a number of ways including:

Hyper vigilance - very sharp focus and scanning for any threats, e.g.:wellbeing and safety of our loved ones, quickly mobilising to diffuse any situation which may teeter out of balance, a heightened response to a situation where there are tears, raised voices

Body - muscles poised, jaw tight, legs ready to move or stiff and painful muscles and joints, hard to move without discomfort, headaches

Emotion - Quick responses, outbursts of emotion, fast answers, less tolerance or losing interest, apathy, detachment

Connection - changes in interpersonal relationships as tension and stress (too many queues of danger) override safety and ease of being together

To put it simply, the role of being constantly “on”, driven by values and loving commitment to family wellbeing requires a healthy dose of recognition (pause) and a compassionate framework to build a resource for healthier and more balanced care (self and others)

This is not to understate the challenges in creating change which may require some sturdy and solid allies (partners or friends) to support the necessary adjustments. Imagine it as stepping up the first rung of a ladder and testing/trialing micro changes which may lead to greater adjustments the further up the ladder you traverse, learning as you go.

Here are some take homes which may help guide this silent burnout into the light of connection:

Compassionately recognise

Take a moment or two each day to listen to the messages your body is giving you - sometimes just pausing to place your hand on a sensitive tummy, resting tense eyes into the palms of your hands and breathing can support you to “be with”. Draw in some nourishing breath and some clearing out breaths and take in the scope of what you show up for every day.

Lower your Expectations

Acknowledge the pressure to be perfect and the unrealistic expectations by society, social media, and even ourselves. Comparison never allows us to measure up and decreases the level self compassion we can hold in any situation. It’s good to remember we are only see in the other what we want to see or the glossy version we are being fed.

Reconnect with the values you hold as a carer and find ways to stay true to them when you feel yourself being driven by outside forces saying you aren’t enough.

Realistic mothering may be a day by day process which looks different for everyone on every day. Celebrate and encourage this to grow within your friendships circles and normalise the not so great moments together - we all share them.

Boundaries

Mothering can feel like a constant “yes” and there are times when we hold back on the “no” until it comes forth in an emotional or teary outburst of frustration and exhaustion.

Boundaries create breathing space and may offer moments of respite and also compassion for what “I” need right now to have capacity for the rest of the day or week. In fact, boundaries only land harshly when we have ignored the “no” building inside us.

Starting with simple boundaries that do not require too much energy can be helpful. Mothering is often bombarded with requests and needs. Perhaps there are some requests that we can respond with, “I need time to consider this”, as a starting point.

Regulating tools for your Autonomic Nervous System (ANS)

Finding a 2-5 minute pause to bring regulation to an overstimulated or exhausted system can offer immediate respite. Breath work is the most easily attainable and manageable form of regulation available. Consider these practices:

Clearing breaths - adding sound - sighing or other sounds to your out breath.

Physiological sighing breath can help to de-escalate rising panic and anxiety in only a few breaths.

If you are feeling the charge of tension in your body, try breathing with some body shaking or even placing your hand against a wall and push to a 4/5 out of 10 whilst you breathe out for a few breaths to discharge pent up energy and an opportunity to reset. Guests learn these, and other breathwork techniques at Rest & Restore Retreat.

Giving and Receiving

Mothering can often feel like a 24/7 ATM but what happens when the bank is empty? Consider what you are giving when you have nothing left. Irritation, frustration, sadness or exhaustion can often begin to fuel the giving until we are stuck in an endless cycle.

Take time to consider the ways you receive offers of help, support, love and if, through habit or protection, you block the very thing that fuels the ability to give.

Dipping your toe in the art of reciprocity can shift the cycle of giving from emptiness and invite in the very things that we are silently asking for. This can start with the simple act of receiving a hug and allowing your body to yield into the security and warmth that is being offered in that moment. In fact, safe touch is a wonderful, non-verbal way to receive care when we are too exhausted to ask for anything. Discuss a safe touch menu your most trusted folk and yield into the nourishment.

And lastly, take a moment to consider the hours of deep care and commitment you pour into creating a healthy and nourished family. Know that right now, this is enough and breathe this back into your heart, taking time to value the unique and creative ways you mother, attend and show up in your life.

Allison Casas is a Restorative Program Facilitator at Rest & Restore Wellness Retreat and owner of Reset Wellness in Melbourne. Guests staying at Rest & Restore Wellness Retreat enjoy a demand free personal space that provides restorative respite from their caregiving role. This allows them to rest and recharge in a nature based environment, whilst enjoying immersive experiences whilst building upon their self-care tool kit.