When the Giver wants to give up

Ever had the feeling that you’re dreading the next request from your family, the phone call from a friend that takes an hour of time you don’t have, or the late notice work request that requires extra effort you can’t muster?

There is no doubt that the human heart longs to be of service: to uplift, support and collaborate within our families and communities. And it feels good to help, filling us with warmth, connection and a sense of purpose. However, when giving becomes an automated “yes” to every request, the impacts of stress, burnout, emotional overload and plain old exhaustion can take over.

So when giving becomes “too much”, how do we navigate the choppy waters of habit, demand and expectation, and turn towards the ebb and flow of reciprocity.

Chronic giving cycle

You may have noticed a pattern to your giving cycle which looks something like this:

Energised giving: Feeling highly motivated and energised to step in for everyone - partner, children, coworkers, friends, social communities, online groups. You may feel the joy and the energy that comes with this phase, even if you are sleeping less and doing more. As this is only sustainable for a period of time, you may begin to notice the slide towards...

Exhausted giving: Noticing a “slow leak” as energy begins to wane and drain. The desire to give may still feel strong but your energy levels can’t keep up with the demands and you may start to feel a sense of collapse. Notice any emotional depletion, mental fog, a desire to distance yourself, body aches and pains and poor immune function which may give way to…

Resentful giving: Complete exhaustion often combined with a desperate silent cry for help and support can end up coming out in a short sharp burst of emotion usually directed outward (and sometimes inward) which can release the valve of pressure, create a short term change or reprieve until the cycle begins again.

The following insights may offer a moment of compassionate pause:

You are not just a carer

There are seasons in life when the roles of caring takes the necessary front seat. Remember that you are more than just this and the other parts of you are waiting to return to your life when the seasonal change occurs. Take time to gently explore and reconnect with things that inspire you, bring purpose, and a sense of vitality into your world. Even by reimagining how smaller pockets of time can be filled with things that feel nourishing and life affirming can begin to fill your empty cup. Dr Dan Siegal’s Healthy Mind Platter is a great place get curious and explore further.

What are the obstacles holding you back from help and support?

Investigating the origins of your over-giving and why you take on so much can be a really helpful place to explore. We often get stuck in the cultural beliefs around self-sacrifice, perpetuating a narrative that we cannot look after ourselves in the process of looking after others. What gets in the way of considering your own well-being, making yourself (also) important?

• What are your underlying beliefs about taking care of others and what you deserve?

• Are you wary of judgments (internal and external) if you don’t give so much?

• Is there a belief that nothing gets done or done right if you don’t do it?

Remember you are human

Admitting that you aren’t emotionally, physically, and mentally invincible, but perhaps, disappointingly, vulnerable and finite like the rest of us offers a compassionate break. More specifically, you cannot do and be everything for everyone, not, that is, without real consequences to you.

Acknowledging the over-giving habit requires an act of self courage. You may feel relieved by your willingness to get honest with yourself and others, and acknowledge your own limitations. Stepping back from the image of the never ending caregiver means becoming real and possibly truly known (to yourself and others) for who you really are.

Becoming familiar with “No”

Changing your mindset around over giving still requires you to take that scary step towards changing your behaviour. The practice of saying no offers the opportunity to experience and tolerate another’s possible disappointment. Start in small ways with safe people, and also consider using phrases like “I need time to think about that” so you can take in how much energy, time and commitment you have available.

Asking for Help

Recovering from the habit of over-giving requires a willingness to challenge underlying beliefs around being deserving of help and this not being a failure on your part.

Get curious around when you may reject or ignore opportunities to delegate and take some of the burden off of you. Turning towards the obstacles around asking for or receiving help and challenging these beliefs can be a powerful stepping stone in creating a healthier balance in your life.

Reciprocity creates a more regulated and balanced nervous system

Warmth, connection, and the collaborative energy which moves back and forth and in between our relationships supports a more robust and resilient nervous system and promotes the feeling of safety and ease. This in turn, provides greater opportunities to connect, to care and also to be open to receiving. When your carer batteries are rundown consider if you can:

• Reach out towards acts of kindness
• Yield into the safety of another’s arms, warm smile and a waiting cup of tea,
• Find solace in the soothing presence of nature

And Lastly...

The balancing act of caring and receiving support is like breathing in and out - one needs the other to bring wholeness. Is this what we may need to create a safer, kinder and more joyful world?