Creating my alternative Christmas universe
Allison reflects on her usual ‘more & better’ approach leading into Christmas (think rushing, pushing help to the side, juggling and overdoing, saying yes to everything) and discovers a new alternative…
In returning to the things that’s within her capacity
Aligned to her commitment to herself, her values, purpose and intentions, and
Makes her feel happy and whole and connected.
The approaching Christmas/Holiday celebrations can loom large as our sense of time speeds up and the day to day spaces in the calendar become crammed with gatherings, appointments, break ups, graduations, shopping, planning, prepping and often saying yes too often. When the tipping point comes there is very little time for presence and little joy for presents.
So how can we shake off the holiday demand and return to the things that make us feel happy and whole, and realign with our unique sense of value, purpose and connection?
If I map the arc of my Autonomic Nervous System at this time of year I would conjure up an image of a malfunctioning super hero - doing everything super-fast, overriding others helpful suggestions, pushing help to the side, overdoing (even before others ask it of me), saying yes to more of everything, juggling too many plates until I start to splutter and fizzle, finally collapsing in a heap of exhaustion and despair. Not a great look for me to be honest!
This year I made the commitment to wrestle back Christmas from the universal “more and better” approach that had already started to diminish my energy and taint my experience with cynicism and a huge dollop of judgement piled onto unsuspecting family members and the general public at large! Does this sound at all familiar?
It was time to pump the breaks and take in the signposts and messages from my nervous system, body and heart, reaching toward a simpler version filled with those little moments of wonder nourish and fill me with a safe, warm ease and fulfilment
I also had the perfect backstory with close family visiting from interstate and overseas, adding to our already large and loud family gathering. On top of that, my newly hatched grandson, daughter and partner were only available for a small window on Christmas Day - such is the give and take of expanding families. And my partner added his family in Brisbane to the mix and the fact that we hadn’t made a Christmas appearance for several years. Add presents for 10 great nieces and nephews, a KK for adults (please make it cool and ironic) plus that perfect something for those nearest and dearest and the Christmas stockings I still fill for my adult children.
The fact that women are primarily carrying the mental load of care and responsibility in our culture and raised to please others and accommodate means we can often find ourselves nodding along and smiling through a clenched jaw.
With this in mind, questions begged asking: What are we doing here? Who are we trying to please and appease? Is anyone enjoying this experience? Are we vibing peace and joy or picking up the queues of dysregulation from our family huddles and all the effort it takes (usually from too few people) to make this happen?
So I took a breath, then several more and decided to put the question of what do to hold for a few days and get clearer about:
My capacity - Feeling lower - major surgery this year and the focus/commitment of rehab for healing, working part time in a rich and diverse environments, spending much time with a new grandson, part time study was sending a clear signal to do less.
My commitment - Committed to looking after myself and consider what I could absolutely commit to on the outside in terms of effort, energy, time, travel and finances.
My values - What do I value at this seasonal time of celebration?
Family time spent with laughter and fun,
Buying with a focus on sustainability, fair wages for all and low waste
Sharing of food which is not laboured over by one or few
Rituals around care and love - small acts mean a lot
Reciprocity (the essence of gifting /sharing the experience together)
My intention - To foster connections and truly be with the people I love, to share in the experiences of the year, celebrate the growth of little ones, the ups and downs of life and our connection through it all.
Once this step felt clear, I decided to reach out - firstly to my partner and children to see how we could meet and find shared value and meaning. This involved listening deeply, taking in the give and take, ebb and flow of what we was important and where each of us needed to bend a little instead of someone reaching braking point under the weight of it all. We all decided less material objects meant less time in stressful retail situations or online and offered more time to enjoy each other’s company - a no brainer! We also booked a family holiday pre-Christmas to spend time with our northern family and carved time for us to play and relax together and alone on a sunny beach, filling our cups before the holiday buzz stepped up its pace.
I then reached out to the larger family, noting the complex interplay I experience in these situations; the pull of connection mingled with the demand of perfection. It can be a liberating experience to gently invite others who care about you into your vulnerabilities rather than becoming locked in a defensive stance to guard your choices. This opened an honest conversation where each could exhale, connect and surprise surprise! Every person felt a level of overwhelm and exhaustion. So a wonderful collaborative compromise was formed which felt in line with the true spirit of this shared holiday celebration.
The memory of this conversation will continue to show up (if I am listening) every time I need to re-assess my capacity and commitment, offering healthier boundaries and diminishing burnout.
Finally I asked….. is there something more??? And I booked myself into a retreat to slow down instead of speed up. It offered me a much needed opportunity to step away from the family unit and witness (once again) that I am not everything for everyone and it is important for me to nourish and replenish to truly immerse myself in the holiday season.
Potawatomi botanist, Robyn Wall Kimmerer’s book, the Serviceberry offers a deep examination of the gift economy and how we can move away from a material model and turn toward one rooted in cycles of exchange and reciprocity. I do believe we are all faced with this opportunity and it is within our power to create relationships of mutual well-being outside the market economy where life can flourish and relationships can grow into more meaningful and real versions of who we are.
Allison Cassas is Rest & Restore’s Restorative Health Practitioner and Group Program Facilitator and owner of Reset Wellness in Montmorency.